Dasha’s Journal, First Entry:
I have managed to take over the small human’s laptop. This is my first opportunity to communicate with the humans in a way they might (I hope) comprehend. Humans, if you understand this entry, please take note: My playtime yesterday was woefully insufficient. Since you don’t seem to respond to my obvious behavioral communications of ignoring you, gruffing when you try to pet me, and staring pitifully out of the bars of my cage, I feel I need to make this point more clearly. No, the toys and wheel in my cage are not a consolation.
To the small human: I do not understand why you make high-pitched noises every time I bark to tell you and the big human to be quiet while I’m trying to rest. I wish I could figure out the strange noises you and the big human make, because most of the time it sounds like gibberish. The noise you address me with most often sounds like Noe, and seems to be your attempt to request that I ignore my instinct to chew on everything in sight. I try to be polite and only chew when you aren’t looking, but you still make loud noises when you look in my direction afterward. I feel that giving me a treat would be a more appropriate response.
Thank you for turning off your swing jazz music long enough for me to hear some AC/DC the other day – I hope you could tell by my intense expressions of acrobatic appreciation how pleased I was, particularly once the volume was up loud enough for my liking. Bon Scott’s voice is a joy to hear, and I am sad to learn (through the boxes on your laptop, small human), that he is no more.
To the big human: The chin-scratch, as practiced by the small human, can only be accomplished with the appropriate cage door open. Through the bars, you can’t possibly reach the scritchy-spot properly. Also, you haven’t been producing enough music with that thing that makes the sounds of absolute joy and wonder whenever you’re chewing on it…I think I have heard the small human refer to it with the noises Harm-on-a-cow, which makes no sense because there are no cows harmed in the making of that beautiful music. I like the music you’ve been playing on the Get-her, however.
The small human makes loud sounds at me if she sees me sitting on the laptop, and she may not understand what I’m doing if she finds me here. So this is Dasha, signing off.